Little Island, Big Race

Today was the Critz Tybee Island 5k and Half-Marathon. Originally when I did the Savannah River Bridge Run in December, I was working towards the Half, but I ended up just doing the 5k. As much as I hate to admit it, I had some set backs, like a sprained ankle, that caused me to chicken out. I feel a little saddened that it's over and I didn't do it, but what are you gonna do? There are always going to be other half-marathons... and marathons for that matter! I did do a fairly decent time for me though, which I was pretty happy about- 37:55 which is about three-and-a-half minutes down from the last time I did a 5k (on my own). I've been feeling frustrated this week just because nothing has been going very smoothly, so I'm looking forward to tomorrow to start a new week. Okay okay, the race did go well. I need to get out of this negative mood! That's where all the frustration has been coming from. I think, just like usual, I've been doubting myself and being scared to own up to all the stuff that comes with this territory, if that makes sense. I'm really proud of the progress I've made, but I just don't feel like a real runner yet. Yes, I can do it, and I'm working really hard to get there, I just feel sort of funny about the whole thing. My goal today was to break 40 minutes, and I did that! That's awesome!... BUT... I have a huge problem with comparing myself to others. I guess that's the problem with competition. I have to learn to give myself a break, I've only been working on this for about five months after about five years of being pretty much completely sedentary. (Gross... I know.)

I do have to say that when I saw the clock and it said 37:45 as I was nearing the finish line, my mouth dropped open. I felt crazy! I didn't think it was telling me the truth. I have the same problem when I weigh myself. It's so strange to look at the number and see it being 60 pounds lighter. A number of times I have gotten off and weighed again just to see if it's real. The thing is, I don't FEEL different somehow. I do feel better in a lot of ways but I still feel like I'm the same person with a loooooong way to go. I meticulously look at myself in mirrors or pictures trying to pin-point where weight has disappeared from. It's a very self-centered approach, but I feel confused. It doesn't seem possible. I hate feeling like that! I wish I could just be proud of myself and keep moving, but I'm having this block. It's kind of an emotional roller coaster. As proud as I was when I crossed that line, I felt at the same moment completely self-conscious as the photographer snapped my picture. I absolutely hate looking at the pictures from the races. I feel like I look like I don't belong. The thing is, if I heard a friend tell me that, I would smack them. Would someone smack me, please?

Goals:

Forget about what other people think

Be proud of myself

Believe in my success

Distract my thoughts from self-conscious rants

Figure out a way to smack myself (haha)