What am I really trying to achieve here?

Let me first say, yes, I do want to lose weight, but that’s not how all of this started. I want to start feeling better. When I started to drop pounds (60 so far), it wasn’t because I was making an effort to really. Yes, things started falling into place, but it was because I was happy for once. I had full-time employment for the first time. I felt like I had at least one small purpose, even if it is at a pretty mundane job. I felt needed there. I still do. I’m not sure how I feel about them right this minute, but for the most part, I’m happy with my job—I’m happy that I get insurance (even though I pay out the ass for it, I still earn it. I got it for myself), I’m happy that I get up most days and go to work. It puts me on a routine (however hectic) and that is good for me. As far as running goes, it makes me feel good. It challenges me. So that’s what it’s about. I want to run.

I’m awful at committing myself to something that is good for me other than school. I don’t know why that is. I’m very good at being a student, but I’m pretty bad about taking responsibility for my time and skills. Now that I’m finished with school, at least for now, I think it’s time for me to be good at something else. I know that I’m talented in a lot of ways, but I’m not really using my talents very often. I also know that I have the potential to be fairly attractive, but I’ve been hiding myself from everyone with a giant layer of fat. The only reason I can come up with for why I’ve been doing these things (sabotaging myself, really) is because I am scared to take responsibility, I guess. That’s the best answer I can come up with.

Well what I really want to achieve is to reverse this. I think that if I continue to take positive steps (literally and metaphorically), more positive things will happen. I think the more I take care of myself, the better I will feel. Running is a huge part of that, and I think a long-term training plan is exactly what I need to do this. If I can sit down right now and say, “On November 7, 2010, I’m going to run a marathon.” That means that I’m going to have to commit to training now. That’s really important. I have to stick to this. I almost have to treat it as if it were school, and my homework is to create time for running around my schedule. I have to prepare myself mentally and physically to do this. It’s not an easy feat. Not everyone can or will do this type of activity, but I know that if I commit myself to it, I can. I actually can do it. All I have to do is take responsibility for that and do it.